Westlife Tards

We’ve been through a long journey, you, me and the tards. We had joys, we had fun, we mostly just pointed and laughed. And that long journey is just about coming to an end, for me, for you and most importantly, for the tards. As they begin to comprehend the end is nigh, they panic and look for ways to preserve the memory of Westlife. Why? Well, they know, as well as you and I do, that without new music to buy in bulk, without new stalking opportunities — I mean, concerts to attend, and without new pictures to ogle at, Westlife will turn into a long distant fading memory. I mean, how well do you remember the boybands of yonder years? How often do you find yourself listening to O-Town or N Sync or Eiffel 65 not in a surge of nostalgia?

The tards have various ways to deal. Some go to see the same Goddamn show over and over again, thinking it’ll change from city to city (it really doesn’t), others weep and whine over Twitter and some, most disturbingly, get tattoos.

Yes, I’ve noticed this alarming rise in Tard tattoos since the tour has begun. People, these things are STILL permanent, and it costs roughly $39 per square inch per visit to remove your tattoo (and somewhere between 3-9 visits), and it hurts like a bitch. So think long and hard before you tattoo Nicky’s goddamn signature on your arm.

Nicky’s not the only one whose scribble is permanently inked on someone, but at least the tard that got Mark’s signature tattooed on her told him about it in advance,

Just signed someone & she’s gonna get it tattoo’d! This is not the 1st time this has happened,No pressure or owt

At least this tard’s no stranger to defiling her skin with Westlife….

Whoa baby! What the actual fuck is that? I mean, yeah, sure, autographs tattoos (they all look like meaningless scribbles to me… which is probably what they are), and a heart and then… thorns coming out of it? Your nose hairs? Your arm hair? And some of those weird ass hairs have like 6-leaf clovers, which I don’t get (remember our discussion on how 4 leaf clovers are meant to be lucky which is why it makes sense for the tards to tattoo those on their bodies, yet they don’t?)….

More meaningless scribbles around a W. Jolly. It’s dull, unoriginal and silly all at the same time.

Speaking of W’s… no, not this W. W’s for Westlife. It’s kinda popular among the tards that want a Westlife tattoo but don’t want to commit to the entire word “Westlife” for all of eternity…

Where is that even located? Do I want to know?

Maybe up there it’ll be hidden enough so no one sees it. Will be a problem when she goes to the beach, though. My advice? Grow your hair out.

Oh goodie, you have Westlife’s “birthday”, you can add the date of their demise under it 

This one’s her first tattoo. Damn what a waste.

Some tards are more hardcore so they can have the entire word “Westlife” tattooed on them in many unoriginal ways…

 What happened to your frau-skin?!

Why is “West Life” written as two different words? Or is just bad capitalization and unfortunate spacing?

Some, even MORE hardcore, took the “Westlife” word tattooing a little more seriously…

The “M” is for Mark, obviously…. :/ But hey, look at the bright side, if you slit your wrists, you won’t have to write a suicide note. It’ll be tattooed right there on your skin (I kid! I kid! Don’t slit your wrists)…

Oh look, this one did tattoo Westlife’s date of demise! With the location and everything! It’s a tombstone seared into her skin with cheesy music notes (as if Westlife can read notes… well, maybe Kian can).

Apparently this means Westlife in… Chinese? Japanese? I don’t know. But in all fairness, this girl can’t be sure that it even means anything in any language, because she’s from Northern Ireland and wouldn’t be able to read it anyway. So she can really claim it says…. anything, really. There’s the plus side.

This one didn’t get an autograph seared into her skin, but she got something much much bigger…

That’ll cost a shitload to remove… or you can make up a whole new story around it that doesn’t include Westlife and tell it to anyone who asks you in 5 years what the fuck is this “Beautiful World” in ugly massive font on your arm(?) all about.

Others needlessly got song titles permanently inked to their skin, too…

I knows me some ugly… and you, you is ugly…

Seriously though, what the actual fuck? We have a… clover? And “My Love” (one of Westlife’s least expressive song titles) and… wings? So I guess they’re flying WITH wings? Maybe these are Angel’s Wings (see what I did there?) and maybe I’m just reading too much into this ugly tattoo because it provides a relief from reading Michael Cunningham’s “Like Beauty”?

This one says “Written In The Stars”… Epic picture-taking fail. And honestly, kind of disappointing. I mean, at least go all out and add some stars to it!

Oh Goddammit. I shouldn’t have said anything. This is clearly not an improvement. I mean, most of these “stars” are just random blobs of ink, and a few more pink fireworks added for good measure.

Yikes! Is that your thigh? Eww eww eww eww! But hey, at least no one will ever see it. I mean, who in their right mind will get this high up your leg? No sane man, I assure you.

Lighthouse, geddit? Not one of Westlife’s finer songs… and holy heck, that’s big. Well, at least you can always make up new meanings to this… Like… your parents were lost at sea! And you’d go on the lighthouse in your town every day looking out for them or something.

The most hardcore tards are the ones who go all out with their stupidity.

Amidst this tattoo sleeve there’s a 14 in roman numerals, to represent… er… Westlife’s 14 years?

And I’ll leave you with this –

DA FAQ? Are Westlife stool-sittin’ Irish sheep with penises for legs?!

Well, at least nobody new got Westlife’s faces tattooed on themselves…

Hey, do you remember how the Queen Frau swore up and down that she wasn’t going to the tour? She’s broke, she’s afraid of other tards bullying her (when in fact, she should’ve been afraid of Mark’s security! But more on that in a bit), she’s too heartbroken to go because Kevin won’t be there? Well I sure do, because I have it all documented. But she sure forgot!

Somehow she found the courage to pull through and go. Even if it does mean spending all of her dole money on a trip to Cardiff. Even if it does mean teaming up with the Manchester stalkers (more on that in a bit too), with whom she has a sadomasochistic love-hate relationship, and even if it does mean getting over the fact her favorite ‘Lifer, Kevin, won’t be there. Because he has better things to do. Like taking landscape photos and convincing himself he can make a living this way.

So Kerry, are you excited about going to see the opening show for Westlife’s last tour?

 im terrified i feeel sick

Oh. That’s not such a positive thing, is it?

 I’m excited but terrified and boiling hot

That’s quite the mental image *shivers*

@Gillian_Filan hi can’t sleep and have to be up at 6 to travel to cardiff so v nervous tho

@MarkusFeehily any tips for someone who is veeeery nervous about coming to see you tomorrow feel ick and cant sleep! up in 6 hrs

Yes. Go to sleep at a decent hour, stop tweeting Mark and Gillian with your nonsense, they really don’t care. And wait, da faq are you nervous about? Is it about the split? No — not the Marvin split, the Westlife split, silly!

 I’m really not bothered about the split

noone I know is no need to be rude sick of bitchy wl fans and bullying

to the point I’m not sure I want to go tomorrow

Liar, liar, pants on fire! (actually, that’d be awful, cause if her pants burned down, we’d have to see what’s underneath, and I don’t know about you, but I just ate)

@Gillian_Filan morning I’m on a train to cardiff atm trying not to fall asleep and end up in swansea phone bat going too argh

Maybe you should’ve gone to sleep earlier instead of trolling on Twitter. JUST SAYIN’. (PS: I love how she’s tweeting Gillian as if they’re buds. “Yeah, morning, babe, how are you doing? You going to watch the hubs performing in Cardiff? Yeah me too, on my way now!”)

So how goes the travelling, Kerry?

just left hereford yep I’ve been traveling since 7.30

@MarkusFeehily hi I’m still travelling to cardiff sooooo tired been traveling since 7am I need a hug can I have one when I see u xxx

But but… you said… you lie! But damn, 7am, that’s impressive. It’s not like Westlife were up earlier to do Daybreak on a day in which they need to perform a concert later in the evening.

hi u ok I’m still not in cardiff yet just arrived at newport soo tired n got that silly sarah tweetin mark about me warning him

yep one who’s not all there she’s tweeted mark three times warning them about me n tweeted jake too

Hey Silly Sarah -

Stop telling Mark things he already knows.

@MarkusFeehily oh I intend to have fun its not a goodbye tour its a thankyou and goodluck for the future tour

She’s lying about that, too. You’ll see.

The good news is Kerry made it to the hotel in Cardiff. It helps that Westlife are predictable and don’t change hotels so their tards always know where to find them. Shall we get an outsider’s perspective of the events that occurred there? Lets.

we headed to the st davids yesterday afternoon to be met by the entire tard nation sat in the foyer just incase something happened.

[...]

next down was mark sadly he didnt have time for a pic for the frau – or with anyone else for that matter he wasnt stopping for no one in the process kerry got knocked out the way by his secuity guard causing her arm to ache for the rest of the day concert shocker he did manage to take a letter of his favourite fan though on his way into the bus phew!!

shane stopped for a few pictures but had a face like thunder you’d think by now we’d know sun glasses = unhappy miserable lifers! 

Yikes! Sounds nasty. And Shane really did look unhappy – just look!

Grave face, sunglasses, hand in pocket. His entire body radiates impatience. I bet he’s thinking “Goddammit, Mark managed to escape. How come I didn’t? Why don’t I have better security? Oh look, it’s Kerry Twigley again…”

 I just met mark

If by “met Mark” you mean he walked past you (and got a letter from Jacqui, I’m guessing?), then yeah. Way to go.

I don’t actually wanna go to the show atm

Anyone else getting kind of tired of her whining for attention? I mean, we all knew she’d go on this tour despite swearing she won’t, and it’ll be no surprise for you to learn she did, in fact, go to the show.

@MarkusFeehily any chance of a tweet as I travelled 8 hours to see u on my own and barged out the way by ur security even tho I wasn’t near anyone at time I was just walking towards shane really shaken and upset about it

I don’t think Mark was impressed because he never did tweet back.

Arm is killing me

no I didn’t I got pushed out the way by shanes security but shane made sure I got a pic I spoke to mark

I’ve not had a great day and my arm is really sore

always lovely to b knocked into next week by a grown man

Here’s a thought. Maybe… just maybe… work with me here, MAYBE, you were pushed out of the way because you were… um… IN THE WAY? As in, Shane/Mark/whoever needed to go to the arena so they could do their job, and you were blocking the way with your big fat ass? Just a hypothesis. Not yet proven.

I did not barge my way to shane and mark did not say no security wudnt let him stop so he apologised so I spoke to him and at one point I saw him v clearly they came out over audience

The lack of punctuation makes you wonder… Also, I’m confused. You spoke to Mark while at the hotel while he came over the audience? Wait, Westlife CAME OVER THE AUDIENCE? Must. Resist. Dirty. Jokes.

no I didn’t that’s y I got my pic with shane noone stopped me he barged me out the way coz hed been outside with mark n was in wrong place when shane appeared

he may have said no to jacqui but he didn’t to me I didn’t even ask he was like I’ve gotta go sorrry first show and all

Oh oh oh! So he verbally said “no” to Jacqui (yay Kerry! You got a small meaningless win over Jacqui) but he didn’t verbally say “no” to you. Just had his security shove you out of the way.

I was staying in the hotel I didn’t barge anywere

Either Westlife were staying at a dirt cheap hotel, or Kerry’s spending more tax payers’ money on stalking.

no I didn’t I came into some money not a lot but enough to help me go to tour and the room was 80 quid

I’ve done nothing to anyone the money I spent and am spending is not taxpayers its money I got back on something that I’m entitled to and I did nothing wrong goin to cardiff so nothing to disagree with

I was a resident of the hotel I had to stay somewhere n at 80 for room it was a bargain for view of bay alone

80 pound a night! Fuck me sideways, that’s not a bargain at all. And what do you mean you “came into some money”? I mean you obviously didn’t work for it. Did you kill a relative for the inheritance? Did you cry and throw toys out the pram till your family members funded this?

i was stayin there n had a job to get my pic with anyone .. security guy was not nice at all he wudnt let mark stop at all

i saw mark but he cudnt stop which was annoying having travelled from 7am till 2pm to get there n they checked out

I’m the only one who finds it hilarious when Kerry so casually uses the words  ”had a job”? Okay then.

It’s such an outrage that Mark doesn’t appreciate 7 hours of travelling to see him.

And what about the show, you wonder? Well, Kerry had such a good time!

I’m sooooo bored I wanna go n sleep

need cheerin up

I’m soooo knackered n drained atm

Any tips how to stop yawning

I’m gonna go to sleep in a min

I guess I’m not the only one who starts yawning as soon as the lads start singing “You Raise Me Up”.

Thankyou markie for my smile and wave shocked the hell out of me but was beautiful

HOLY CRAP I MADE A MEME OF THE QUEEN FRAU! Make your own memes over here, and post links to them in the comments! I’ll gather all the good ones into a new post! (if it doesn’t work, here’s the image, just go to the website and make a new meme, using that image) You can see a few more over here.

@MarkusFeehily thankyou for a special evening your voice is just sublime when you sing I know I’m hearing something special xxxxxxx

I thought you were falling asleep?

@MarkusFeehily see you on sunday and hope to get that hug travelled from 7am till 2pm to get to cardiff and got a sore arm n didn’t get to x

Kerry threatens. Beware Mark, you haven’t dodged that bullet yet!

@Gillian_Filan from what I cud see it was a great show only 5ft n cudnt see from 5th row ah well still had a ball

I’m in cardiff atm deaf in one ear n seem to have a lot of photos of marks bum not deliberatly honestly.

Yeah, sure sounds like you had a great time :/ What with not being able to see and going deaf in one ear (Mark’s screeches would do that to you, I’m surprised the entire Tardom is not collectively suing) and your “not deliberate” photos of Mark’s ass (CLASSY, KERRY!)

hi I had a good night not been a great day will dm u

I thought you had a sucky day, what with being pushed and falling asleep at Westlife’s concert.

@TheMancBirdzhttp://lockerz.com/s/207989563 thanks for lettin me share taxi will u ever tell me what the kitkat thing is about

But… but… don’t you hate June? And isn’t she one of the Manchester Stalkers?

Kerry’s planning more shows to attend. For all the right reasons, obviously.

 if not i might not go unless i can find out if they are staying over in sheff which i doubt no point …

but the main reason i go is to see and watch mark perform if i cant see him? i dnt no yet gonna sleep on it

Um… you don’t need to know the hotel in Sheffield to see Mark perform. Just sayin’. But that doesn’t stop her from planning anyway…

booked a hotel .. prem inn … seems a come down prem inn from 5 star .. and theres not much diff in price either

the 5 star was really cheap actually … prem inns have actually charged more before now only £90 for room bargain

@MarkusFeehily im comin to see you on sunday in sheffield im trying to think what to put on a banner any suggestions?

Mark just called me, he has some banner ideas for you:

“I CAME ALL THE WAY FROM MANCHESTER, NOTICE ME!”

“MARK, I ACCIDENTALLY TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR ASS, WHAT SHOULD I DO?”

“MARK, I’M PRACTICALLY A MAN, DO ME!”

So get your markers and bristol papers and get working on those.

@markusfeehily ive a little something to give you that i put together myself hopefully will b finished by sheff/lpool when im coming 2 c u

I’m sure he’s stoked and looking forward to it. Hey, if you’re going to Sheffield or Liverpool, be sure to snap some shots of the Queen Frau stalking, mmkay?

If you’re wondering why she keeps telling Mark stupid things, it’s that she keeps trying to get a reaction out of him so she can boast she got a tweet from him. Kind of like throwing pasta at the wall to see if it sticks.

 u just got a tweet from mark

lucky thing … well done! … 2 and a half years nearly since my last tweet from him

hehe dya wanna swap …a pic with shane for a tweet from mark lol

hehe wish we cud … but alas .. and dnt think hel reply to me but i babble anyway ive made him sthin hope i get 2 give it him

And what of tomorrow’s concert in Sheffield? Well, the Queen Frau is deliberating.

@ShaneFilan79 thanks for the pic on thurs see u tomorrow

hi u ok I dnt no wether to go tomorrow

I want a block a ticket for tomorrow I’m block c but its not right side only good thing is centre asle

don’t think I’ll get to meet mark on this tour at this rate don’t know if I wanna go tomorrow

thanks I don’t like tiers either particularly I’m 8th row asle tomorrow dunno about going atm

So bets are on!

- Will the Queen Frau go to the Sheffield show?

- Will she get better seats?

- Will anyone go with her? (as it seems like she’s officially out of friends and going alone)

- Will she get to “meet” Mark?

Place your bets and predictions in the comments below, and don’t forget to make some Queen Frau memes!

One day, not so long from now, Kian will be at his son’s bed telling him a bedtime story. He will say, “once upon a time, I was famous. And once upon a time, people paid me to look pretty on stage while other people did all the work. And that lasted for 15 years, by the end of which the best thing EVER happened, we won Battle of the Boybands on a random pointless poll on MTV’s website”. And Koa would look at his father, stare right at him and say, “Daddy, who gives a fuck?” and Kian, to his defense (because he’s not going to scold his son for cussing, being a free-spirited surfer dude who drinks juice with his failed girlbander wife) will say “but we beat out the Backstreet Boys! And the Jonas Brothers!” to which Koa would reply “The Backstreet who? The what brothers?”

And he’d be right. Because honestly, who gives a fuck? Tards, that’s who.

When Westlife won that worthless little poll (after the tards voted, apparently in all hours of the day), the crazy as shit Tardoms of other boybands were rightfully upset. I mean, doesn’t the sun rise right out of Nick Carter’s ass every morning? And didn’t the little Jonas kid prove his superiority when he snatched Delta Goodrem right out of former Westlifer Brian McFadden’s hands? And psha, Westlife! They’re dinosaurs! Practically fossils! One Direction are the new kids on the block! (except they’re not, because there is a boyband called New Kids on the Block, who haven’t been “kids” for a long time, yet they still refuse to go away)

So the Jonas Tards and the BSB Tards went apeshit on Westlife’s asses, and expressed their… displeasure at Westlife’s win. Shall we watch some Tards fighting a meaningless war? Oh yes please!

ILiveForJonas09 writes:

NO I’M NOT HAPPY. THE JONAS BROTHERS MEAN SO MUCH TO MILLIONS OF GIRLS ACROSS THE WORLD AND TO HAVE THEM DEFEATED AT THE FINAL ROUND IS JUST UNBELIEVABLE!! THE JONAS BROTHERS SHOULD HAVE WON!!!!

And chelseag reasons,

i agree jb for life! but good job west life, at least jonas brothers fans get new music..

OH SNAP!

leda explains how things work in the Westlife Tardom,

westlife is the best boysband of the decadel they gave us everything , they command us to voted everynight, they give us so many million amazing memories…
we love them so muchh…. ;’) xoxoxo

These are the commandments, given to Westlife Tards by the Lord their God, Shnicky:

I am thy Boyband, which have brought thee out to repetitive concerts all across the British Isles, out of the house of bondage to your previous false Gods Take That.

Thou shalt have no other Boybands before me.

Thou shalt take onto thee many pictures of me, and preserve it in many a-folder in thy computers, and thou shalt not forget to boast about these photos to thine fellow Tards, for you have met me, thy God.

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them false Gods Take That, nor serve them false Gods One Direction: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous Boybander.

I think you get the gist.

Maylany has mistaken this silly poll for something that matters,

of course! Westlife is always #1 till ends!! :’) Are they still gonna take a separate way after this?

I can imagine the conversation now…

Nicky: Alright lads, we won the MTV thing. We need to back down on this whole split thing.

Mark: You are right, Nicky. Our fans have proven they will buy sand if we try to sell it to them. We must stick around.

Shane: I have Brian on the line, he wants to come back now that he’s convinced the fans stand behind us.

…

maria_indyukova vaguely wonders,

who are Westlife? i don’t know.

Your Jonas Brothers worst nightmare?..

Westlife may have won, but who’s higher up on Twitter trends right now?

And the cheating? I still don’t believe MTV did anything about that. It’s to their advantage to create drama by having a out of the norm boyband win.

Why do you keep saying that we cheated? We didn’t! We just didn’t sleep.

I didn’t even follow them on Twitter before this competition! but I know Westlife fans outnumber any boyband fanbase out there. we don’t care about Twitter, we have other better stuff to do. most of us aren’t kids anymore who think about stupid trends

Hello folks,

You must’ve noticed it’s been dry on Westlife Tards land. When I decided to “retire”, I thought I wouldn’t write another post on this blog. But then the need arose and I told myself I’d only write about REALLY big stuff, really interesting stuff, and only the best and funniest of stuff. I figured, since I don’t expect myself to post a certain amount of posts per month, I can allow myself to be nit-picky.

Since then I broke my resolve and posted some real shitty unfunny posts, simply because I felt the need to post something, but ended up with something sub par because that need didn’t coincide with, you know, something actually good.

To make matters worse, .com went poof, and its fan-forum replacement is also gone (and at the rate this is going, it shall never return). Like it or not, .com was one of my main sources to observe the tards. I don’t have the patience to follow them all on Twitter, or to even attempt to track down some of their more moronic moments there. Twitter simply doesn’t lend itself to people like me (actually, it doesn’t lend itself to people like her royal frauness, who uses Twitter like MSN live messenger or Facebook chat… at the rate she’s tweeting, no one can follow unless you’re on 24/7). I’m more of a “let a catastrophe express itself and show up several days later to examine the debris”, but that sort of thing doesn’t seem to work in Tardnation’s Twitter feeds.

There are also fewer and fewer fanfiction sites, even less so that post fanfics that are not interactive, and the real shitfests are posted on forums anyhow (since website owners tended to EDIT fics before putting them up, or have some sort of STANDARD), so I can’t even tap into that and go play.

In short, things are in the crapper. I want to blog, I’d really love to stretch my funny bones, but I don’t know what to blog about anymore. The Tardom is dying as quickly as Westlife are dying and without a place for them to all gather and try to out-stalk each other, there’s really no way for me to keep track of them.

So here’s what I’m asking you – submit. Leave a comment, or hit me up with an e-mail, or a tweet, or whatever, with things you want me to blog about. Make them interesting and funny and good. Something you’d want to read about. And if any of that peaks my interest, I’ll blog about it.

Otherwise we might as well all pack up and await the inevitable – two days after the tour ends and NO ONE cares about Westlife anymore.

They (I’m not sure who they are, but work with me here) say the biggest form of flattery is imitation. Alas, I don’t think THIS is quite what they (again with the mysterious they, are you workin’ with me?) had in mind.

Parodies! I love parodies. I made a name for myself back in the days (if you remember my site WestLAUGH, you are made of awesome. Just so you know) by writing Westlife parodies. And here are the Tards one-uping me with video parodies. I feel like a proud mother.

Oh wow. Clearly this should’ve been the official video for World of Our Own. I mean, honestly Westlife, why do you do pimp canes and dogs when you can clearly do random scenes that are completely unrelated to one another? Because that’s the true brilliance of this parody. It doesn’t just parody Westlife, it parodies boybands as a musical phenomenon. From the cheesy bleach blond wig (I hope to fucking God it’s a wig) to the attempted backflip that ends in a big fat fail (AND THEY ARE STANDING UP AT THE KEYCHANGE!! OF AN UPTEMPO!!), this video BEGS TO BE GIF’D, as in, make .gif animations of this and put them all over Tumblr, because this shit is funny.

The production value on this one is a bit lower, but it has TOYS! And gay looking boys in all white and all black. And a nihilistic interpretation of the lyric “taking the easy way out” (also, some gold during the closing credits).

Speaking of production value, this one’s pretty high. I love the empty stool with the picture of what I can only assume is their idea of Brian, and the fact these dudes are worse at miming than Mark is. Oh and the dude that randomly walks off crying? Classic.

By the way, Tards, recreating Westlife’s videos frame-by-frame is not exactly a parody. It’s just you re-creating a video that sucked to begin with, and making it suck harder..

Oh look, there’s a whole gang of Asian tards looking super pissed at the fact they need to sing “My Love” on the beach. And those intense stares into the distance, oh dear me…

Beaches seem to work well for Westlife video settings. And parodies. Also, “the lip-sync has to be at least half a second out”!

Think it’s funny they’re dancing with chairs? I distinctly remember Westlife having some sort of a silly chair dance routine on the Where Dreams Come True tour. This one gets better as the song progresses. My favorite part is when they just throw the chairs away.

OH BACON!!!

A little bonus parody – not exactly tard-made, or a video, but it’s the lyrics to “What About Now”… re-imagined. And badly sung. Live on the radio.

Ah, procrastination is a dreadful thing, isn’t it?…

Came across a funny parody/spoof of Westlife? Share it in the comments!